Hot to Grow

H-O-T-T-Oh my god am I EVER going to get a job?

This past week, I spent time on a farm – sweeping a hoop house, weeding, picking. It’s been years since I got to grow in such a space. I spent so much of my young life in gardens and on farms, growing and harvesting at Urban Oaks Organic Farm with my family, learning on my elementary school’s goat farm, getting my hands even dirtier in mom’s garden. It’s been so long since I came home with immovable dirt under my fingernails and soil stained knees on my jeans. Ages since my nose filled with the smell of weeds and sun and hose water in buckets.

I recently hit 6 months of unemployment. Oof. I’ve applied to dozens of jobs. I’ve been through it with the Office of Unemployment. I have a planned answer to the “and what do you do?” question. I’ve realized how constantly people ask that question.

I’ve noticed, in this space, a deep need – one that rose up from some hidden place – to be productive. To have some purpose that hinges on achievement. To constantly be doing something. To be earning. To be making a visible difference and having visible accomplishments. To have a title that states it all.

Gosh, I’ve done a lot in these six months. I’ve classified it as nesting, as cleaning, as organizing – checking off to-do lists like it’s my job (haha). I’ve framed and hung art. I’ve reorganized storage. I’ve sold unused gizmos I found lying around and donated clothes we haven’t worn. I’ve done so many dishes and so much laundry. I’ve found Effective Storage Solutions TM for everything in my home. I’ve… started a blog!

Anything for the sake of feeling like I’ve been productive. Anything to have a purpose. Anything to be able to come together at the end of the day and tell people all the things I’ve accomplished. I’ve been told “this week, do nothing! Take time for you! Don’t even try to get things done!” and I simply cannot. At least not without a deep and resounding guilt pushing me a little deeper into the anxiety of the moment.

And I went to this farm. And I took breaths like I hadn’t in ages. Deep and calm and pointless. I stared at flowers. I felt sun on my skin. I had no title. I was just a person on a farm.

Morning on the farm was life-giving for me in a way I didn’t expect, and it has put a lot in perspective since. Maybe one day we’ll dive in more. Maybe one day we’ll craft some thesis about it. But right now, all I want to say is that maybe, sometimes, productivity kills peace. Maybe, sometimes, accomplishment bullies contentment. Maybe, sometimes, searching for a title takes away from who you really are… just you… without the framing of society.

Gosh, I’d really love a job. I’d really love a community to serve and serve with each day. But for now, I feel lucky to get to hold these things in a new perspective and grow.

Ps. my Jalapeños seem to have had a little moment of their own! After producing seven peppers, one at a time, all summer… there are currently 14 growing baby peppers on the move!