I really dislike being alone. My whole life I’ve loathed time with my thoughts. I’m a big talker on hikes, walks, bike rides. I’ve always slept with the door open so I can see my family when they pass through the hall at night. I’m a raging extrovert with serious anxiety… maybe that’s not the reason I love being in company, but it certainly helps.
After college, I moved to Rochester, NY and became a… homebody. I was living alone for the first time ever and I stalled in this state of “solo”. I’d go to work in the morning, come home, and sit stuck on the couch. Maybe I’d make dinner, but I had little taste for cooking for one. I rarely explored my neighborhood. For some reason, living alone meant staying alone. Even though I love to travel by myself, becoming and growing in my new home didn’t truly begin until we were deep in the pandemic and Alex moved to Rochester. My apartment became our apartment. My city became our city. I could explore with a buddy. I wasn’t alone.
I could go into such depth here about how the onset of my anxiety disorder pulled me quite nearly out of my own body. How being alone meant hearing my heart beat and I couldn’t bear with that. How I tried to detach from my senses. But all of that fades into the background of what really matters: Learning to be content by myself.
Last year, I shirked the “workout for two hours a day and eat less sugar” New Years Resolutions for a New Years Goal – Take yourself on a self-date every month. I gave myself the easiest starting criteria for a foodie living in an allergy home. I’d go to a new restaurant, one I’d wanted to try but couldn’t go to with Alex, and have a meal on my own. No phones. No disassociating from being with myself. It took me MONTHS to finally do it. I gave myself excuses. I found friends to go with. My dear friend would check in on the goal every time she called, and I’d have to let her down again.
And then finally I did it. Alex was out of town, so I packed a book and I walked to Leonore’s on Park Ave. I requested a table for one. I ordered what my server suggested, I joked with them as they brought out water, I read my book as I waited on my food. And then I ate and enjoyed. It was beautiful. It was so awkward and also not at all. I was hooked. (A bonus that it was one of the best meals of my life.)
I worked hard from that point to go on a self-date every month, like I’d hoped to do months back. I found every time that sitting (on a patio, in a café, by the bar) at a table for one gave me time to connect with myself, to savor my food, to try new things, to meet new people. In time, I found calm in learning that being alone isn’t a bad thing. Being alone also doesn’t always mean being alone! I built community in Rochester eating a sumptuous chicken cutlets and petting dogs as they walked by or taking time to chat with restaurant staff.
There’s a beautiful aloneness out on a walk or hiking in the woods. There’s a special type of solo at home reading. But the Self Date is my favorite practice of being alone. It’s a gorgeous thing to to give yourself a solo experience – just you. What a romance it is to love and treat yourself!
Thinking of writing this blog this weekend, I realized I hadn’t been on a self date since moving to Boston. So this morning I got up, packed my unemployed self some cold water bottles, and headed out on my bike to a cafe I’ve never been to. I got an iced tea and sat out in the sun. At my two-top table, I was joined by a woman who had also come for a coffee on her own. She asked to use my second seat and we had lovely conversation. Self date turned new friend. I’ll take it.
As we head forward, I’m recommitting to dating myself. I think I’ll start to compile my restaurant list this afternoon. I’m looking forward, strangely for me, to having time alone… and eating some darn good food.
Some of my favorite self-date spots in Rochester and beyond:
- Leonore’s – Rochester, NY
- Roux – Rochester, NY
- Book Eater ROC – Rochester, NY
- Cafe Sasso – Rochester, NY
- Small State Provisions – Avon, CT and West Hartford, CT
- Brothers & Sisters Coffeehouse + Cafe – Brookline, MA
The Noshers Nest 
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